He was talking about the recently departed Katie to Stephen (new cohost) and David.
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After listening to the Ezra Klein podcast episode Merlin recommends, I see that Dr. Bessel van der Kolkās work is not highly relevant to me. Heās dealing with people who suffer from traditional definitions of trauma ā he talks about combat veterans suffering from PTSD, victims of violent crime, parental abuse, incest, and so on. Thankfully, none ot these apply to me.
I enjoyed hearing from Merlin. And yes I have followed him since the 43Folders/HipsterPDA days. I even got to attend, and write up a talk he gave at a Macworld conference in 2008.
Merlin said I did a great job with it. Go, me.
http://www.43folders.com/2008/01/18/informationweek-story-merlins-macworld-08-presentation
That Macworld was the one where Steve Jobs launched the MacBook Air. So I got to see Steve Jobs do a product launch live in person. Kind of like having seen the Beatles play at Abbey Road.
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I know Merlin is popular in the Mac community, but Iāve never been a fan. Lots of cursing, and he jumps from topic to topic incomprehensibly. I saw he was a guest and thought, ānopeā. Not going to bother with this one.
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I learned some stuff from Merlin, especially his analogies. I didnāt mind the swearing and NSFW content, but I think weād be better off without it.
However, hosts, please equalize the guestsā volume. I practically wore out the volume roller on my car steering wheel just trying to hear Merlin when he spoke quietly, and turning him down when he was blasting (in comparison, Stephen was easy to hear, and David is the gold standard).
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I would suggest that guilt tends to attach to the act: I did something wrong, and there is a path forward through confession and restoration, including possibly paying a penalty for my guilt. Shame attaches to the self: what I did reveals something deeper about who I am. That is why shame can feel heavier and more disorienting than guilt. It is not just āI did wrongā but āI am wrong.ā Good shame reflects the acknowledgment that what I am guilty of diminishes me as an individual, and potentially others. When I lie, I am guilty of telling a lie. Shame comes in by recognizing that I did not just tell a lie but that I am a liar. The purpose of good guilt and shame is to motivate us to improving our behavior and character.
If you will indulge a theological application, put simply: guilt is what Christ pays for on the cross. Shame is what He heals by making us new from the inside out.
Guilt is primarily legal: I violated a moral or civil law. Shame, on the other hand, attaches to the self: I broke the law because I am a person who willingly broke it, and that should produce a degree of shame. Obviously, the degree will vary depending on the nature of the offense. The danger we face is that we can become callous and acknowledge guilt while not feeling any remorse or shame.
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Iām glad it was worthwhile. Iāve been wanting to talk to Merlin about it for literally years (which is as long as itās taken to finish The Body Keeps the Score). But so glad we got to do it.
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For whatever reason, Merlin reminds me of this post I recently read about the professional guest.
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Watching this episode on Youtube was even worse than listening to the podcast. This guy is really (like really!) full of himself. And just generally annoying. Five minutes was the max I could handle.
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Merlin Mann is not my cup of tea either. From my perspective, a lot of words get uttered, but not very much actually gets said.
On the issue of shame, in psychology, shame involves the belief that you are a bad person. There is a devaluation of your self-worth, which is rarely, if ever, helpful. People with shame issues feel inadequate and unworthy of love or belonging. People who have issues with shame often also struggle with issues of violence, depression, addiction, and eating disorders. I
A person who feels guilt is looking at their behavior rather than their value as a person. Guilt is generally a positive emotion; it motivates people to correct their mistakes. A person who feels guilt, in essence, says I did a bad thing. A person who feels shame says, I am a bad person.
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Because sometimes we are.
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Merlin was a key figure in my younger days. 43folders, his early podcasts, etc. I still use methods I learned from him back then.
Now, he is a shadow of his former self. Kind of like an NBA superstar who has aged but still thinks he can play today.
I find him annoying, rude and vacuous.
And no mention of the environmental impacts of AI.
Way too much self-absorption.
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Iāve always appreciated the following distinction:
shame and guilt are inventions by humans to keep us safe and operating as in-group communities through the idea that āsomething is wrong with me.ā
shame is the āsomething is wrong with meā idea coming from outside of yourself ā the feeling when a group rejects a person who acts outside of the communityās norms.
guilt is the āsomething is wrong with meā idea coming from inside yourself ā the feeling when what a person wants is outside of the community norms.
shame tells you something about the community.
guilt tells you something about yourself.
(this ofc doesnāt say anything about whether the community is rightā¦)
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Glad Iām not the only one. I feel something has been off the last few weeks. For me, Stephen and guests are same volume, where as David is sometimes equal volume, but often trails off to the point where I canāt hear him when out from my runs. And I donāt want to crank the volume to hear David and then get blasted by the others.
One succinct way Iāve heard it that clicked with me:
Guilt is āI screwed upā, shame is āIām a screw upā
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Yes, essentially. There is a reason why virtue is hard and vice is easy. 
A lot of people mistake virtue for vice, and vice versa, which confuses things.
Indeed. āWoe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!ā ([Isaiah 5:20)
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Going back in my post history, every time Merlin shows up, I find myself less and less entertained, or even informed. He did a better job of not constantly cutting off David compared to his last showing. And he did an excellent job of bouncing back and forth with Stephen Robles.
Merlin has genuine insights that can be very deep and coherent - if you can get past the rubber ball bouncing around in his brain. As a neurodivergent person myself, listening to Merlin continually convinces me to keep taking my meds lest I end up unleashing my own rubber ball brain upon my coworkers and family.
As @allan.galbraith said: much was uttered, but not much was said. Not every episode needs to be dripping with tips and actionable content, but this episode was 90% rambling, 5% drug jokes, 5% content.